Drinking Game: the "Word Bomb"

For the most part, people look forward to spending time with family. The thought is that you'll be able to catch up with loved ones, have fun, drink, eat good food for once, do laundry, and create some embarrassingly memorable experiences. Reality, however, is where this delightful expectation ends. 

Family is amazing, except of course when it isn't. Yes, you get to meet people you haven't seen in a long time. Great people who typically love you to death. People who will listen (even when you don't want them to) and try their best to comprehend your mistakes.

Family, though, is also annoying. Moments of love are interrupted with moments of stubbornness and irritation. I will be the first, among many, to admit that my family sometimes rubs me the wrong way. Certain things are consistently said and done that add an uneasy tension to the mix. And what better way to diffuse the situation then intoxication? 

# 1 - The "Word Bomb"

Parents claim to have your best interests at heart (or at least they pretend to). They have certain expectations on what and where you should be headed to in life. People have supposedly different life scripts (e.g. the Middle Class Life Script: college -> economic stability -> marriage -> children  -> divorce?; the Upper Class Life Script: prep school -> harvard -> trust fund -> marriage -> children -> divorce -> marriage -> children; the Catholic Life Script: guilt -> catholic school -> college -> more guilt -> loveless marriage -> seventeen children; the Fundamentalist Life Script: radicalism -> struggling to survive in large household -> bible camp -> NRA training -> college/judgement day schooling -> marriage (gunpoint?) -> many children -> reality show; the Mormon Life Script: instilled with traditional values -> learn about the differences between Mormonsim and a cult -> tell no one else -> go to college -> marry -> have many children -> pay 10% of income to church; the Atheist Life Script: pine about everyones stupidity -> trudge through school -> develop appreciation for "alternative" a.k.a boring things -> marry someone who hates mankind just as much as you -> have one child -> instill cynicism on next generation; and the Jewish Life Script: school -> learn about matzoh -> medical school -> j-date -> marry -> have one to three children). 

Depending on your socioeconomic life script, parents will expect you to progress to a certain milestone at a particular point in time. For the most part, the biggies are college, employment, children, and marriage (sorry gays). Typically parents will not shore up these concerns gradually, but all at once. The ensuing shit storm or "word bomb" as I call it occurs in one of two ways.

1. Both parents (assuming they are on good terms) sit you down for lunch or dinner. The conversation is initially amiable and focuses entirely on opinion-based questions. Are you enjoying school? Do you like work? How are you and Elise handeling the 1 year old? Then, all of a sudden, a "have" or "when" slips into the conversation. Have you started on study abroad? When are you going to look for work? When is Elise going to look for daycare? You might be able to get a single word in before another question is asked. How did you do this semester? Have you thought about what you're doing after college? When are you going to submit that application? Do you have a resume? Before you know it, question after question is being rattled off. Pretty soon commands are interwoven into this one-sided exchange. You need to find daycare. You have to switch jobs. You better start doing well in school.

2. The second form of attack involves a divide and conquer approach. A parent will invent some pretext to separate you from the "pack" (perhaps a one on one visit to the super market, post office, or liquor store) and then will attack in a way similar to the first onslaught. This method is slightly more predictable since the guardian will propose the trip as the easiest alternative in a two part proposition: "hey son either do [insert dreaded chore here] or come with me to pick up some groceries." This of course is a trap. Go in the car at your own risk.

Now you may be asking yourself: "How do I turn this into a drinking game?" The answer is simple. For the first scenario, crack open a bottle and take a sip for every question rattled off and/or command given.
The second situation is where it gets a little tricky. For most families, drinking in a car while enroute to the super market is not acceptable behavior. And so you will have to be more longterm in your approach. Mentally tally every nagging question and then turn that irritation into a drink when you get home. You'll probably need it.