Awkward Definition: Land Mine

I am starting a new segment today. Along with the Jesus and Friends Webcomic and the Drinking Games, I am creating this ironic definitions section called Awkward Definitions. This week the phrase is land mine.

Jesus and Friends: Issue # 7

The seventh issue of the Jesus and Friends comic. This is a continuation of the fifth issue and a pun of the words eternity and forever. Enjoy!

Drinking Game: Public Displays of Affection

The vast majority of human beings are sexual. We have certain appetites and desires that long to be expressed through physical contact with other people. Kissing. Rubbing. Caressing. Some rated mature action on the side. It's all an integral part of human nature.
But as much as I accept this as a reality, I'm still somewhat put off by public displays of affection (PDA's). By no means am I advocating for outright censorship. I will freely admit that being on the receiving end of a PDA is fun. Yet as an unintended voyeur, I am equally perturbed by two sloppy drunks making out with one another on the dance floor at 2 am.
Drinking is possibly the one thing short of unconsciousness that allows people to endure a drunken PDA. In every crowded room, there is an uneasy amount of sexual energy buzzing around. Why not turn peoples horniness into inebriation?

The Rules:
(1) Drink every time someone hooks up with a random stranger.
(2) Drink every time someone places their hand on someones shoulder and lets it linger there for several seconds.
(3) Drink every time someone has another person backed up against a wall.
(4) Drink every time two people are holding each other at arms length, but not kissing.
(5) Drink every time people are staring at one another from across the room.

Drinking Game: Make It Stop

Everybody loves to sing: We sing along when we hear our favorite song on the radio, awkwardly hum to our I-pods on the subway, and drunkenly recitate Top-20 songs during karaoke. Most of us, however, are not very good at singing.
When people drink they almost assuredly sing. Something about the combination of warm beer and lowered inhibitions makes people want to display their mediocrity to the world. Yes its fun to gallivant about on stage. And yes, a couple fortunate souls are blessed with magic vocal cords.
But the majority of us sitting timidly by the bar are not interested in listening to a butchered Pop song.
This is why drinking becomes an imperative when going out to an event such as karaoke, hanging out with friends or family members, or attending a mandated work event. Sooner or later some idiot is going to try to sing a generic song and some other idiot will follow his or her lead. And so, you might as well have fun with the ensuing cacophony of shitty vocalists.

The Rules:
(1) Drink every time someone misremembers a lyric (e.g. "Spaceships are meant to fly").
(2) Drink every time someone pretends to sing the lyrics, but actually has forgotten (e.g. "hanniandsaidajs fly).
(3) Drink every time someone has forgotten the words and thinks inserting original lyrics will be so hilarious (e.g. I'm so cool and maybe high)
(4) Drink every time someone only sings the chorus (e.g. starships are meant to fly).
(5) Drink every time someone overemphasizes a word in the song (e.g. fly).
(6) Drink every time someone says: "I love this song!"    

Drinking Game: the "Word Bomb"

For the most part, people look forward to spending time with family. The thought is that you'll be able to catch up with loved ones, have fun, drink, eat good food for once, do laundry, and create some embarrassingly memorable experiences. Reality, however, is where this delightful expectation ends. 

Family is amazing, except of course when it isn't. Yes, you get to meet people you haven't seen in a long time. Great people who typically love you to death. People who will listen (even when you don't want them to) and try their best to comprehend your mistakes.

Family, though, is also annoying. Moments of love are interrupted with moments of stubbornness and irritation. I will be the first, among many, to admit that my family sometimes rubs me the wrong way. Certain things are consistently said and done that add an uneasy tension to the mix. And what better way to diffuse the situation then intoxication? 

# 1 - The "Word Bomb"

Parents claim to have your best interests at heart (or at least they pretend to). They have certain expectations on what and where you should be headed to in life. People have supposedly different life scripts (e.g. the Middle Class Life Script: college -> economic stability -> marriage -> children  -> divorce?; the Upper Class Life Script: prep school -> harvard -> trust fund -> marriage -> children -> divorce -> marriage -> children; the Catholic Life Script: guilt -> catholic school -> college -> more guilt -> loveless marriage -> seventeen children; the Fundamentalist Life Script: radicalism -> struggling to survive in large household -> bible camp -> NRA training -> college/judgement day schooling -> marriage (gunpoint?) -> many children -> reality show; the Mormon Life Script: instilled with traditional values -> learn about the differences between Mormonsim and a cult -> tell no one else -> go to college -> marry -> have many children -> pay 10% of income to church; the Atheist Life Script: pine about everyones stupidity -> trudge through school -> develop appreciation for "alternative" a.k.a boring things -> marry someone who hates mankind just as much as you -> have one child -> instill cynicism on next generation; and the Jewish Life Script: school -> learn about matzoh -> medical school -> j-date -> marry -> have one to three children). 

Depending on your socioeconomic life script, parents will expect you to progress to a certain milestone at a particular point in time. For the most part, the biggies are college, employment, children, and marriage (sorry gays). Typically parents will not shore up these concerns gradually, but all at once. The ensuing shit storm or "word bomb" as I call it occurs in one of two ways.

1. Both parents (assuming they are on good terms) sit you down for lunch or dinner. The conversation is initially amiable and focuses entirely on opinion-based questions. Are you enjoying school? Do you like work? How are you and Elise handeling the 1 year old? Then, all of a sudden, a "have" or "when" slips into the conversation. Have you started on study abroad? When are you going to look for work? When is Elise going to look for daycare? You might be able to get a single word in before another question is asked. How did you do this semester? Have you thought about what you're doing after college? When are you going to submit that application? Do you have a resume? Before you know it, question after question is being rattled off. Pretty soon commands are interwoven into this one-sided exchange. You need to find daycare. You have to switch jobs. You better start doing well in school.

2. The second form of attack involves a divide and conquer approach. A parent will invent some pretext to separate you from the "pack" (perhaps a one on one visit to the super market, post office, or liquor store) and then will attack in a way similar to the first onslaught. This method is slightly more predictable since the guardian will propose the trip as the easiest alternative in a two part proposition: "hey son either do [insert dreaded chore here] or come with me to pick up some groceries." This of course is a trap. Go in the car at your own risk.

Now you may be asking yourself: "How do I turn this into a drinking game?" The answer is simple. For the first scenario, crack open a bottle and take a sip for every question rattled off and/or command given.
The second situation is where it gets a little tricky. For most families, drinking in a car while enroute to the super market is not acceptable behavior. And so you will have to be more longterm in your approach. Mentally tally every nagging question and then turn that irritation into a drink when you get home. You'll probably need it.