Friday, December 7, 2012

Drinking Games part 2

Love is one of those elusive wonders people spend a lifetime searching for: people sing campy songs about it, write terrible erotica eluding to it, marry in the hope of maintaing it, and have children to kindle the legacy for love anew. Nowadays, however, the word is used in a frivolous manner. Teenagers and dinosaurs alike claiming to love restaurants, movies, bands, sales, clothing, and television shows.
Keeping this trend for "love overload" in mind, I have created a serious of drinking games that reflect some personal peeves of mine. I am undoubtedly sure that you have dozens, if not thousands of other wonderful examples.


# 1 - I love bacon
I feel as though America has gone through a bacon fixation in the last couple of years. This savory deliciousness has been superimposed on backpacks, shirts, pillows, table clothes, pencil cases, folders, lunch boxes, sex toys, and shiva only knows what else. Whats more the fragrance of bacon has been extracted for use in such beauty products as cologne and nail polish. Maybe its a reflection of over-consumerism? Maybe its a byproduct of the nations obesity epidemic? The point is that people love bacon and they will talk about it. Every time someone does so in a drink setting, pound a shot. 


# 2 - I love chocolate
Nearly everyone loves chocolate. Some people, however, like chocolate more than others. When said persons reaction is akin to an orgasm: "Like omg I LOOOOOVVVEEEE chocolate," then its time to break out a bottle of spirits. Bonus points to look out for - heated discussions about the superiority of European chocolate over American, someone expressing a desire to own a sweets job after watching the movie Chocolat, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, or Julia & Julia, and lastly, an obsession with the dessert challenges on the Food Network.


# 3 - I love being by myself
Everyone has one those days where you have the urge to forgo people. For whatever reason, you've decided to give up friends, men, and all good-tasting food in order to attempt the classic "I'm going to turn my life around" U-turn. Instead of eating chocolate, french fries, pining over Mr. Hotty in the laundry room, and complaining about you're demonic coworkers, no, you've decided to resign yourself to maturity. "I'm going to worker harder," you laugh maniacally, "Diet. Exercise. Live a life of celibacy." And admittedly, for the first several days you do feel like all of these feats are possible; that is until the wafting aroma of vice steps in to weaken you're shaky resolve. During this high period, however, you will say incredibly obnoxious things such as: "I don't need to go out. I enjoy being by myself, napping, and catching up on some sorely missed cat videos" or "I really just want to concentrate on my work (lies, all lies)" or perhaps the worst lie of all "I don't miss men at all. I enjoy the pursuit of other things like work or work or more work." These things are unbearable to tolerate while sober, which is why drinking becomes an absolute necessity. One shot for anything said that sounds like the material above.



# 4 - I love...spending time with you
Sex is an intimately awkward experience for at least one of the party's involved. Is he cumming? Is it in? Is she faking? Boy this is taking a long time, I wonder if he's as bored as I am right now? The one-night stand has made the personal seem impersonal, but people cannot escape the reality that sex is intimate. We feel close to one another when performing the dirty deed and will sometimes let certain affections slip (a total taboo in the FWB/FB world). "I love yo.....uurrrr hair," he or she might nonchalantly slip in; or worse still "I love...being with you" (They aren't fooling anyone). Sometimes they'll even substitute the word "love" for "like." "I really like...this," he or she might grunt pre-climatically. "I like...spending time with you," a heart-stricken FB (or you) might say during the post-orgasmic snuggle. It's bound to happen over the course of a sexually active persons bed hopping days and there is no reason why you shouldn't have some fun with it. Make a mental note of all of the times a partner has danced around the subject of affections while in bed and then equate each of those moments into a shot. Congratulations you have just turned someone's callousness into a plus.



# 5 - I love you, man
"Drunkenness begets drunkenness" as the saying I just made up goes. Imagine you're at a party and that person you said hi to once is there. Normally, the two of you would see each other, acknowledge one another's existence with a guarded glance, and then pretend like nothing of the kind had just occurred. "Jimmy, who the f' is Jimmy," you would loudly proclaim to the friend next you? But uninhibited drunkenness operates with different rules of engagement. Jimmy suddenly becomes your best friend. "I love you man," the two of you slur happily. "Bitch, I love you," says the girl next to you before keeling over on the bar floor (no one notices). And so, why not turn these false confessions into a kickass drinking game? Every time some fool says something like "You're such an amazing friend...no seriously I mean it," "I love you guys," or "I love you bro/dude/man/whatever" pour down a drink.

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